Global Bass Online                                                                                November 2000

Check out the GiveAway from BASSIX Studio

Submitted for your amusement

(and the fact that you will probably relate to some of these things)

By

Christopher Buttner*

Chris will be the author of next issues interview/article with

GEDDY LEE of RUSH

Penalties for Bass Infractions

NAME OF OFFENDing Bass Player_______________________

INFRACTION DATE___________________________

MUSICAL OFFENSES

 Playing loudly during warm up                           $10

 Sound-checking amp with funk slapping                $25

 Loud cursing after mistake                               $10

 Playing high and fast after mistake                      $20

 Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes             $20

 Asking for "E" tuning note                                  $25

 Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb                 $50

 Playing written-out walking line                             $50

 Failure to play written walking line                         $75

 Writing note names over ledger-line notes                $50

 Writing beat numbers under dotted figures              $50

 Playing eighth notes                                        $5 each

 Playing sixteenth notes                                    $10 each

 Playing above 1st octave                     Immediate Dismissal

 Dragging fast tempo                                          $75

 Dragging ballad tempo                                       $100

 Blacking out during ballad                                    $200

 Ignoring drummer's tempo                                   $100

 Following drummer's tempo                                  $250

 Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me               $1000

UPRIGHT PLAYERS

 Showing up before first downbeat                            $25

 Playing audibly                                                    $25

 Faking changes                                                    $25

 Slapping                                                           $150

 Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass            $25

 Excessive sweating                                                 $25

 Pedal point double-stops during horn solo                     $50

 Asking leader for a solo                                          $30

 Accepting solo when offered                                     $50

 Taking second chorus                                            $100

 Playing solo arco                                                   $400

 Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune        $100

 Playing "A Train" ending on every tune                        $200

 Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune           $500

ELECTRIC PLAYERS

 Checking hair between tunes                                     $15

 Experimenting with odd meters                                  $25

 Missing root at end of blistering fill                             $25

 Playing with a pick                                                  $50

 Tuning during ballad                                                $30

 Playing Jaco groove on samba                                   $75

 Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad                           $150

 Attempting last word on final chord                              $50

 Achieving last word on final chord                               $100

Long gliss down to final note                                      $200

EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS - ELECTRIC

 Forgetting strap                                                    $10

 Changing strings after every set                                 $15

 Using electric tuner                                                 $15

 Setting up mic "just in case"                                      $75

 Forgetting to turn amp on                                         $40

 Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip       $50

 Asking horn player for help moving amp                       $25

 Bringing custom-made bass              $100 per string above 4

  Bringing more than 1 bass                      $100 per extra bass

 Skull decals on bass                                               $150

 Bringing fretless bass                                            $500

CRIMINAL BAD TASTE

 Telling bone player about all the gigs you get                     $10

 Asking bone player about their day gig                              $10

 Sitting behind drums on break                                         $10

 Quoting "Birdland"                                                        $25

 Practicing scales during break                                         $25

 Practicing scales during drum solo                                    $50

 Practicing                                                                 $150

 Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player..."        $50

 Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are "into sequencing"                                                        $100

BASIC STUPIDITY

 Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt          $10

 Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt         $20

 Asking when the rock set starts            $20

 Continually asking "where are we?"          $25

 Continually shouting "Yeah!"                 $25

 Asking bone player where "1" is              $50

 Taking cell phone call during 4's            $100

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